1/7/2016​

In September I met an artist at TOAE named Joanna Gresik. She was my neighbor during the show and she came across to me as a sweet, fun, confident person. She had amazing work, an awesome set up and throughout the weekend I found myself wishing I could be more 'put together' like her. So when she recently put out a blog post highlighting some of her own insecurities and fears I was really touched because it turned out that we actually share a lot of the same struggles. This got me seriously thinking about comparisons and confidence. ​

A lot of self-esteem issues come from us comparing ourselves to others and by making the false assumption that they are confident because they 'have it all together' and we aren't because we don't 'have it all together'. I believe this leads a lot of truly self-assured people to trick themselves into thinking they aren't confident because they think they are tricking other people into thinking they are... That's a bit of a mouthful but let me explain:

Every genuinely confident person has struggled with insecurities (people who claim they haven't probably have pretty major self-esteem issues themselves) and had to work on their own confidence at various points throughout their lives. Does this somehow make them less confident or falsely confident? No, of course not — in fact I think it makes the confidence we have even more impressive because sometimes we need to fight for it.  Being a generally confident person doesn't mean we have to feel confident at all times. In fact I feel extremely unconfident at certain times and because of certain things — comparing myself to others being one of them.

There is a great quote that I read about 6 months ago that really stuck with me:​ 'The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel' (Steve Furtick)

We are with ourselves 100% of the time. We see everything. We see all our own issues and we don't necessarily see theirs. But we don't think of it this way, so when people say things to me like 'Oh, you're so confident!' I smile and thank them but sometimes I feel like a fraud.

'If only they knew…'.

If only they knew what? That I have to work at it? That I struggle with certain insecurities? What exactly makes coming across as confident while working through insecurities fraudulent? When it comes to these internal struggles we tend to judge ourselves a lot more harshly than we judge others — I don't fault other people for having insecurities or for having to work at personal issues so why do I do it to myself? Shouldn't we be sharing in our struggles? 
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Instead we tend to hide our personal battles in the effort to come across as 'naturally confident' as if, somehow, it's better to have others think that we just popped out this way. Yet in so many other aspects of life it's the struggle that is celebrated and the battle that's emphasized. Take my art for example: over the years I've had many conversations about my work and one questions that is often asked is, 'How long did this take you?' The last thing they want to hear is that it barely took any time at all and I just whipped it up without much thought.

​They want to hear about every aspect of how the piece was made… They want to hear things like:

• how many hours of hard work it took
• the numerous sketches I made to figure out exactly what I wanted to do
• the mistake I made at the beginning and how I problem solved and turned it into something better
• how, part way through, I second guessed a choice and figured out how to fix it
• the years and countless previous paintings it took to reach my specific unique style ​

Does it make me a worse artist or a 'fraud' because I actually had / have to work at it? No, of course not. In fact, I think it makes me a better one. Would we ever fault an athlete for running drills? I guess all those musicians who practice hours a day are just big fat frauds, huh? Prima ballerinas danced en pointe right out of the womb, right? No. It's the battle that makes them great. 

So why do we do the opposite when it comes to having to work on personal issues like self-confidence? Why do we hide the struggle? Why do we assume that other people don't struggle with the same things we do? I meet someone at a bar and talk to them for half an hour and somehow I'm comparing myself to this person… 'OMG — she was super funny and so naturally confident! I wish I could be more like her… umm, what was her name again?' A half hour chat and I'm using this as a comparison to me, a person I've known for 289 080 hours. Not exactly fair. And hell, she might have been thinking the same thing about me…

To be honest it's not fair to the people we compare ourselves to either. I think it's almost a disservice to other people to just assume they have it all together and that they are naturals at things like confidence, like they didn't have to put the work in. Why do we put so much emphasis / praise on being 'naturally confident' and what does this even mean? Everyone struggles. Everyone has fears. Everyone has insecurities. It's how we battle through that makes us who we are. Just like you can't have courage without fear, I think it's impossible to feel or even understand confidence without experiencing insecurity.

Now, I'm not saying that anytime someone calls us confident or praises us we should spout off about all the issues we've been through and every problem we've ever had but I think we should be able to take this compliment as just that —  a compliment. I can smile and truly say 'thank you' without inwardly getting down on myself. I'm not in any way a fraud or 'tricking them'. I'm just a confident person who put the work in and continues putting the work in. We aren't confident despite our insecurities or because we don't have insecurities, we're confident because of how we handle them. I'm not confident because I feel confident all the time, it's because even when I don't I still show up and put myself out there.

So, Joanna, when I met you, you came across to me as a sweet, fun, confident person and after reading your blog post about your fears, insecurities and struggles that hasn't changed a bit — in fact, you can add 'brave' to the mix. Honestly, I think all the more of you.

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